Why do I do this to myself?

So, I have spent a while away from angsty situations. Hence the lack of updates here. I seem to want to write more when I'm upset. How typical. So, I spent most of this summer having a lot of fun between the sheets. I mean, compared to some gay boys' records, I love positively chaste. But I went from pretty much inexperienced to quite the opposite. And in between all the whorishness (yeah, I'll admit I've been a whore. and?) I even had a boyfriend. My first real relationship.

Anyway... that's all well and good, but not the point of this post. The point is the current situation. There's a boy who I've known about for a while. I finally met him for real at the club on friday and we danced for a couple hours and whatnot. Then come monday he asks if i wanna play around, so i said yes. I know he's also fucking someone else. I'm friends with that person, and in fact, I've fucked around with that person as well. Well, I knew he would continue to fool around with him, and I made the choice to go ahead and do this anyway. And I've gone out with him and played again since. But now when he talks about the other guy, I get jealous! Damn it. I knew this would happen. But I have no claim. And I've fooled around with someone else since the first time he and i did. I don't know. I've completely lost my ability to form this in anyway that's coherant. lol

Time Goes By

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

So, a lot of stuff has gone by since I updated just a while back. If I were amazing, I'd list it in chronological order.


I started working out with Nathaniel recently. It's good because it gives an ironclad reason to see him regularly. Small problem. Or problems... One, I hate looking weak or anything in front of him, and I'm pretty out of shape. Then again, he knows all about my...shape, lol. There's nothing we haven't seen of each other. Anyway, second problem--gym clothes. Yeah, they're kind of revealing in a certain area when one stretches out, for instance, when we do the different kinds of ab workouts. I can get a glimpse of something I want so bad I can taste it, literally.

Anyway, in better news, I love my job. It has its dull moments, but I really do like it. Apparently, as of today I'm being trained to be able to do anything in the store at all. I was taught a few things today which only the owners and Jon know. So basically, if they're not in the store, like on Saturdays, I could run everything.

So, I'm sure there are many more things I could talk about. But I won't. Mainly because I'm a horrible typer.

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going

It's amazing how much we can delude ourselves into believing we're actually over somebody, only to have reality come crashing down over our wall of delusions. I thought I was over Nathaniel, but then I saw him at Rayn on Friday, and just the idea that he was flirting with Chris and had obviously driven him, therefore making it easy to just drive him home made me really want a drink. So I had one, and danced some more. And then I was told by Evan that I'm great, but he doesn't like me. Great night altogether.

Job Success

So, I just got notice that I got the job I wanted! Hopefully they start me next week, because I've been sitting around, bored out of my life!!! YES!

Picking Myself Up

So, I don't think I'm going to beat myself up for being so melodramatic and depressed last night. I mean, I think one night of crying after being told he's not interested in you is allowed. So, today, I had a little trouble getting going. I had emailed my gal-pal about the whole thing last night, where I actually didn't cry. But I read her response and wrote back today, and then the tears fell. I cried for like, 10 minutes before I decided I definitely could not just sit around in a pity party, though that would be so self-indulgent.

So, I went to the apartment gym and spun for 30 minutes. Then I did a little stair stepping, nothing hard this morning. Then pool. Then shopping! Nothing is better than going around and finding incredibly cute things, and even buying some of them. I spent $240 today which felt amazing, and got some great things for the summer! Then I went and had a real workout with Kevin as my own personal trainer. It was kinda cool, him doing a set, and my copying it on a lower weight. He was pretty surprised at what I could bench my first time.

After, we went back to his place. I got a smoothie, and a tuna wrap that was wonderful. Then we sat around and talked. He asked about Nathaniel and I told him what was going on. He said that sucks, but that I shouldn't give up because he may very well decide that letting me go was a mistake. So, I'll stay around as friends. Then, surprise surprise, Nathaniel comes over. I was intent on not being awkward and just being myself. So I did. He occasionally had an awkward moment, like when Kevin went to walk the dog, and we were alone. I was acting as if he hadn't basically crushed my hopes (okay, a little melodrama still to be expected), and he took a few moments to get it together. I think I caught him off guard by acting so normal. Well, here's to making him want me. With the working out and weight loss, I'll be hot by the end of summer.

Well

I took the chance and asked him if it was a one time deal or not. His answer, "Yeah, I think so."

I wish I didn't feel so devastated.

Stupid Girl

Honestly, I think I'm just being a big retard about this whole thing. I'm beginning to wonder if that one night two Sundays ago was just that, one night. We went to a party today where he payed attention to me if necessary. He flirted with Paul who he dated for like, a week awhile ago. He sat with Ryan on his lap and seemed pretty pleased with himself. I don't know. Kevin has been absolutely no help recently. He's playing the perfect best friend to Nathaniel and saying nothing one way or the other. So, I have no clue if I should even try or give up. I thought maybe he would want to hang out after the party you know, especially since he drove and had a great excuse... What should I think? God dammit I'm such a retard. I'm clearly not who he wants to be with. I'm not even sure if he really wants to be my friend. I can't read him at all. I chose the dumbest thing to start talking to him on AIM, and he gave a response typical of him. Then I said something else and predicted his response which happened to be the one with the least effort required. I'm debating whether or not I should just flat out ask him.

Should I be?

So, I texted K and N to see if they wanted to go to a movie with some of our friends who had invited me and told me to invite them. I get a response from both of them saying they are in Panacea at the Blue Crab Festival. I'd never heard of the festival, nor the town before. But I'm a little sad that they didn't ask me to come along. I mean, I know they're best friends, and I'm still somewhat new to the hanging out on a regular basis with them. But last night, K did invite me over and cook dinner just so we could hang out before having N come over. Also, I've freaking spent the night in N's bed. With him. So, you'd think one of them would have maybe mentioned it last night while we were watching 300. Maybe I'm just being stupid. I understand that they want to hang out together, but I love road trips, and they do know this. So, it would have been fun to drive down with them and go to a crab festival where they have mullet throwing contests and whatnot. But instead, I'm in Tallahassee...

A Whirlwind Tour

So, I'm back from traveling about 2,000 miles in 5 days. I had a great time, even though I wasn't actually looking forward to it. The homestays were sufficiently awkward and fun. I managed to stay with 3 very rich families with huge houses. All three familes were incredibly nice and tried to provide us with everything they could. Even the bigoted host was nice for the most part, after I awkwardly said that I didn't think his comment was in good taste. Well, I am outspoken.

We sang at 3 churches, 2 Methodist and a Presbyterian church. They were such beautiful singing spaces mainly because they were echo-y and hid our faults! And of all things to see, one of the churches had a long hallway of bulletin boards. Well, one was mostly empty except for these two words--"Youth cock". Yes sir. I am making no joke. Some kid I assume (or a dumb adult...) took letters from the other board and it was freaking funny.

So, other than that, tour boils down to one crazy night in New Orleans. We went to Bourbon street, like ya do, and drank. And danced. And screamed. And sang. And drank more. And then half of us ended up at a gay club that I only learned the name of today. It was called "Parade". Let's talk about the two hours we spent here. I'd had four 24oz hurricanes at this point and I was wild. I made out with as many people as I could. I danced on stage and made 3 bucks from people who shoved their hands down my pants.

While on said stage, I started dancing with E. I whispered (more like screamed over the music!) in his ear that I wanted to kiss him. So, we started kissing, a lot. We made out on stage for 10 minutes, and everyone from our choir saw! Then we got off the stage and went our separate ways. I danced with everyone I knew, kissing a fair few of them. I was up against the edge of the stage with my accompanist. I was in a long line just gyrating with everyone. I ended up between two of my lesbians! I made out with one of them too. (At the end of the night, the kissing count would be 7,lol.)

So, E and I were sitting next to the bar (after I had made out with the shirtless bartender!) when a horny freshman, A, came and stood with us. Well, I made out with him, and so did E. He is an aggressive hid and kept making E uncomfortable. I was talking in his ear and telling him I liked him a lot, and would love to kiss him some more. Maybe more if he was up for it. He said he didn't want to just hook up while we were drunk, so I said that it was fine. So, we went out on the balcony and made out for another hour on and off, talking as well.

At one point, I was straddling him on a bench(!) and we stopped for a few seconds when I told him he was an amazing singer and he said this. "You are an incredibly sensitive kisser. You know when to lead and when to follow. And it's so tender it makes me tingle all over." !!!!! That's an amazing thing to be told. We made out for a long time after that. Then we found my latin lovah and both made out with here, lol. And the three of us walked home holding hands, haha.

So, here's my quandary. I really like N. A lot. I was texting him the whole trip. But I've always had a tiny thing for E, and I acted on it last night. So, I like him too. But now I'm not sure what I should do. I've got two really great guys, both amazing kissers, both really cute, both seemingly interested in me. Now I have no clue what to do. I mean, I've hardly done much with either, and there's no promises yet. So, we'll see. But now it's time to start my summer break!

All my exes live in Texas

Well, not really, but who cares? When in Rome...wear a Stetson?

So yeah, I'm in Houston, Texas right now, and I couldn't be more excited about leaving for New Orleans in the morning. I'm not saying that all people from the Lonestar state are closed-minded and bigoted, but let me reenact a little conversation we had with the host at last night's homestay. We were talking about the voting for tax cuts in Florida being the cause for the loss of 200 employees at FSU. Somehow this got us onto the presidential race and this man driving the Ford F-350 with the gun rack featuring 4 very expensive shotguns said this phrase--"Barack Obama, that fudge-packing homo"....! Yeah, so I quickly decided that I would not utter another word that night, lest he find out that I'm also a fudge-packing homo, pull one of his shotguns from his truck, and have some good ol' fashioned hate crime! Bring on New Orleans and culture I can get into (a.k.a drunk-a-drunk).

Touring

So, I leave tomorrow with my choir to go on tour. Tour in the past has been to national conventions where we sang for the largest choral audiences and all that schmaltz. Yeah, it used to be cool (I guess...) until this year. We're going to New Orleans and Houston/Waco. Dumb. I mean, yay for two days in NOLA with freedom in the evenings. Hmm...college students in NOLA with free time? Drunk!

Anyway, I bought a cute shirt today from American Eagle and a great pair of Khakis that make my ass look great. The end.

Good Bye Norma Jean

So, it's been almost a week (actually 5 days) since the night weeks of flirting culminated in. I've had moments of "Oh god, what if it's a one night stand?" but then I think of all the reasons not to worry. One, he and I share two of the same best friends and hang out with them on a regular basis. Two, you don't flirt with someone for that long, have conversations with the aforementioned best friends about how to go about making a move just for one night. And three, the intensity that night had wasn't just light-hearted fun. How often do people spend an hour and a half slowly building up to the ultimate goal? I've had one-night stands and casual fun, none of which have ever been that loaded before. Granted, maybe he's just an intense lover. But I think there's more. I guess we'll find out when we're both back in town together on Friday.

Anyway, so much has happened since that Sunday night. I've had 4 finals which I feel solid about. None of them were "A" quality, but I'm fine with that. I'm sure I got the results equitable to the work I put in studying, which was minimal. But I was preparing for far more important things (like finally spending the night!) like my recital! I gave it, and it was pretty decent. I wouldn't televise it or anything, but I'm glad with the results and so much more glad it's over.

And finally, I went to see Elton John today!!! We made a whole day trip out of it. My bestie, gal-pal, and myself. We went to the beach and laid out for a few hours which was wonderful. She and I did the hip-hop dance we learned in hip-hop class at the gym 2 weeks ago and people cheered! Then we packed up and went to The DOCK, the bar/restaurant right up the shore 5 steps, haha. Yay for happy hour! Then we were going to walk on the pier, but they charged admission?!? Yeah, so we just went to get dinner.

We stopped at a seafood place that I forget the name of now. It looked like a good hole-in-the-wall kinda place. But that was a facade! We got the menu and it was soooooo expensive, we got up and left immediately. I've never done that before. So, we crossed the street (very perilous) and went to Panda Chinese Buffet. Um, hello--shushi included? Yeah, that had to happen.

Then we went and saw Elton perform and it was the most amazing concert I've ever been to. For a 61 year old Brit, he is doing a hell of a job. He sounded great and put on an amazing performance. I'd describe it, but that's difficult. Let's just say it was 2.5 hours of awesome.

Finally

That's all I have to say without getting to graphic. We both came up with an equally paper-thin excuse for me to come over and have to spend the night. And then we kissed and went from there. Let's just say I'm smiling now. The End.

What is the proper resonse?

So, the going out tonight that was supposed to happen, didn't. Bummer- I know. So, I asked him if he still had any plans and he texted, "I have a paper to finish tonight. You're welcome to come watch if you'd like ;)". How the hell do you respond to that? I don't know if he was kidding or serious. I'm not sure what to think. If he was kidding and I responded, "Sure, I'll be there in 10!" I look like an ass. If he was serious, then he's seriously getting to the point of thin excuses to hang out (previous have been: movie night being moved from my gal-pal's to his place even though he doesn't have a T.V and my she does. Inviting me over to steal some of his music. Etc...).

So, I responded, "While I'd love to come and distract you from your paper, I'd hate to be the reason you fail." Correct response? It was suggestive enough that if his text was serious, mine answered fairly equally, but if he was joking, it should come off as a flippant response.

I don't know. I SUCK at this. I need something to happen by Monday night, because he leaves on Tuesday for a friend's wedding, and by the time he gets back, I'm on choir tour. That's two weeks of being apart and that might be too much at this stage. I don't know. Maybe we'll get to hang tomorrow. I might just be like, "I'm really interested in you, and you should kiss me right now."

How to say it

So, I'm really into one of the guys in my group of friends. I'm pretty sure he's into me as well. Everyone else in the group constantly rags on me for flirting all the time. My Gal-pal weeks ago asked "So, are you and he in love yet?" WHAT? Seriously. All of them are just waiting for one of to make a move. He's over 2 years older than me, so I've kinda been letting him decide. But now I'm pretty sure I'm done waiting for him to make a move. According to my Gal-pal, he's really indecisive, so he may want to make a move and then just chicken out. She put it this way to friends at dinner after he had gone home (after berating me for not following him out!). "They're two boys who are totally being complete wusses about asking each other out!"

So, I guess I'm going to do it. Everyone's so sure he wants me as much as I want him. Even I can tell he's flirting with me. He wasn't gonna come hang out the other night, but I invited him and suddenly he wasn't so tired! Um, hello? Then after he left, he texted me the next 20 minutes about how glad he was that he came and "thanks for inviting me." So, I'm just not sure how to do it. I've not one to beat around the bush since I suck at subtlety. Well, we're all going out tonight. I'll see if a chance presents itself.