Why do I do this to myself?

So, I have spent a while away from angsty situations. Hence the lack of updates here. I seem to want to write more when I'm upset. How typical. So, I spent most of this summer having a lot of fun between the sheets. I mean, compared to some gay boys' records, I love positively chaste. But I went from pretty much inexperienced to quite the opposite. And in between all the whorishness (yeah, I'll admit I've been a whore. and?) I even had a boyfriend. My first real relationship.

Anyway... that's all well and good, but not the point of this post. The point is the current situation. There's a boy who I've known about for a while. I finally met him for real at the club on friday and we danced for a couple hours and whatnot. Then come monday he asks if i wanna play around, so i said yes. I know he's also fucking someone else. I'm friends with that person, and in fact, I've fucked around with that person as well. Well, I knew he would continue to fool around with him, and I made the choice to go ahead and do this anyway. And I've gone out with him and played again since. But now when he talks about the other guy, I get jealous! Damn it. I knew this would happen. But I have no claim. And I've fooled around with someone else since the first time he and i did. I don't know. I've completely lost my ability to form this in anyway that's coherant. lol

Time Goes By

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

So, a lot of stuff has gone by since I updated just a while back. If I were amazing, I'd list it in chronological order.


I started working out with Nathaniel recently. It's good because it gives an ironclad reason to see him regularly. Small problem. Or problems... One, I hate looking weak or anything in front of him, and I'm pretty out of shape. Then again, he knows all about my...shape, lol. There's nothing we haven't seen of each other. Anyway, second problem--gym clothes. Yeah, they're kind of revealing in a certain area when one stretches out, for instance, when we do the different kinds of ab workouts. I can get a glimpse of something I want so bad I can taste it, literally.

Anyway, in better news, I love my job. It has its dull moments, but I really do like it. Apparently, as of today I'm being trained to be able to do anything in the store at all. I was taught a few things today which only the owners and Jon know. So basically, if they're not in the store, like on Saturdays, I could run everything.

So, I'm sure there are many more things I could talk about. But I won't. Mainly because I'm a horrible typer.

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going

It's amazing how much we can delude ourselves into believing we're actually over somebody, only to have reality come crashing down over our wall of delusions. I thought I was over Nathaniel, but then I saw him at Rayn on Friday, and just the idea that he was flirting with Chris and had obviously driven him, therefore making it easy to just drive him home made me really want a drink. So I had one, and danced some more. And then I was told by Evan that I'm great, but he doesn't like me. Great night altogether.

Job Success

So, I just got notice that I got the job I wanted! Hopefully they start me next week, because I've been sitting around, bored out of my life!!! YES!

Picking Myself Up

So, I don't think I'm going to beat myself up for being so melodramatic and depressed last night. I mean, I think one night of crying after being told he's not interested in you is allowed. So, today, I had a little trouble getting going. I had emailed my gal-pal about the whole thing last night, where I actually didn't cry. But I read her response and wrote back today, and then the tears fell. I cried for like, 10 minutes before I decided I definitely could not just sit around in a pity party, though that would be so self-indulgent.

So, I went to the apartment gym and spun for 30 minutes. Then I did a little stair stepping, nothing hard this morning. Then pool. Then shopping! Nothing is better than going around and finding incredibly cute things, and even buying some of them. I spent $240 today which felt amazing, and got some great things for the summer! Then I went and had a real workout with Kevin as my own personal trainer. It was kinda cool, him doing a set, and my copying it on a lower weight. He was pretty surprised at what I could bench my first time.

After, we went back to his place. I got a smoothie, and a tuna wrap that was wonderful. Then we sat around and talked. He asked about Nathaniel and I told him what was going on. He said that sucks, but that I shouldn't give up because he may very well decide that letting me go was a mistake. So, I'll stay around as friends. Then, surprise surprise, Nathaniel comes over. I was intent on not being awkward and just being myself. So I did. He occasionally had an awkward moment, like when Kevin went to walk the dog, and we were alone. I was acting as if he hadn't basically crushed my hopes (okay, a little melodrama still to be expected), and he took a few moments to get it together. I think I caught him off guard by acting so normal. Well, here's to making him want me. With the working out and weight loss, I'll be hot by the end of summer.

Well

I took the chance and asked him if it was a one time deal or not. His answer, "Yeah, I think so."

I wish I didn't feel so devastated.

Stupid Girl

Honestly, I think I'm just being a big retard about this whole thing. I'm beginning to wonder if that one night two Sundays ago was just that, one night. We went to a party today where he payed attention to me if necessary. He flirted with Paul who he dated for like, a week awhile ago. He sat with Ryan on his lap and seemed pretty pleased with himself. I don't know. Kevin has been absolutely no help recently. He's playing the perfect best friend to Nathaniel and saying nothing one way or the other. So, I have no clue if I should even try or give up. I thought maybe he would want to hang out after the party you know, especially since he drove and had a great excuse... What should I think? God dammit I'm such a retard. I'm clearly not who he wants to be with. I'm not even sure if he really wants to be my friend. I can't read him at all. I chose the dumbest thing to start talking to him on AIM, and he gave a response typical of him. Then I said something else and predicted his response which happened to be the one with the least effort required. I'm debating whether or not I should just flat out ask him.